Seriously?

Ok.

I just "graduated" therapy, stayed on the same meds for a whole month, and was completely successful at my marriage and my work by applying my problem solving skills to relationships. Woo! I haven't felt this good in YEARS.

And that's when shit hit the fan.

Within the past 24 hours, I have had to DOUBLE my Xanax, make a counseling appointment, and am considering other options if the Xanax doesn't work. I may also have had a little too much to drink last night.

Why?

1. I spent approximately 12 hours in the Atlanta airpot from Wednesday at 3:00 pm to Thursday at 3:00 am. 
2. My husband's father has moved in.

Number two is FAR more influential than number one. 

My language is very intentional. He is only my father-in-law in the strictest sense of the word. I am referred to by him as "[my husband's name]'s wife." I shit you not. Pretty sure he didn't even know my name until he got our wedding invitation.

He looks and acts like a homeless, toothless, angry Santa. He does not talk to me (which is actually preferable but makes things rather difficult). He will be referred to as Homeless Santa from now on. As I'm sure you can tell, I am not a fan. I'll explain why later.

He is currently living with us because he was kicked out of the husband's brother's house, and doesn't have power at his own house. How did we find this out? Not through Homeless Santa, but through Homeless Santa's brother, or the husband's uncle.  Homeless Santa was living without power for two+ days without power, despite desperately needing it because of medical needs.

Which ties in directly to why I dislike him:

• He doesn't take care of himself. This includes two stints in the hospital because he stopped breathing.
• After stopping breathing, he was diagnosed with COPD.
• After being diagnosed with COPD, he continued smoking.
• While continuing smoking, HE CAUGHT HIS FACE ON FIRE WHILE SMOKING WITH HIS OXYGEN MASK ON.
• Despite being morbidly obese he continues to drink Dr. Pepper and eat like shit.

All of this culminates in the fact that he is killing himself slowly (not softly) and doesn't give a shit what that is doing to his relationships with his sons. Homeless Santa is selfish beyond anyone I have ever encountered and has no plans to change. He doesn't want to. He is happy despite the fact that he could die tomorrow. The husband is actually surprised he hasn't died already.

Thus, the doubling of Xanax. I'm not convinced it's enough.

I'm at a loss. I'm so frustrated that just when things start to go well and I'm feeling stable, I feel like I'm sent back to square one in terms of dealing with anxiety. 

I suppose that this is what I "signed up for" when I was diagnosed with mental health issues. It is constantly adapting to new situations. 

Constantly. It is exhausting.

My last post was inspired by one of the most amazing people I know.  It was to make sure she knew she was loved and that it is worth it.

This time it's for me.

"It's worth it. It's worth it. It's worth it."

It's been a long time, hasn't it?

Yes. Yes it has.

I'd like to say that it's been because of all good news, but that's seems to never be the case (although it hasn't all been bad either).

Short story
Cons:

• 6 different antidepressants in 2 months
• Massive job relationship difficulties
• Lost 40 pounds (yes, this IS a con - it puts me at the low end of a healthy BMI and I'm still working against losing more)
• Diagnosed as anemic
• Severe side effects and intolerance
• Counseling twice a week
• Wanting nothing to do with my husband
• No caffeine

Pros:

• Beginning job relationship progressions
• Kickass work presentations and papers
• 7 days of sex (ooh la la!)
• Lost 40 pounds (ooh! I get to buy more clothes!)
• Lately as of last week, I "graduated" from counseling and don't see my Psychiatrist for three months! 
• Invigorated relationship with my husband.
• Alcohol is ok!

Current meds (as many generics as possible) (as of the past month- a big success):

• Cymbalta
• Xanax (ER, daily)
• Xanax (as needed)
• Vitamin B (double dose)
• Vitamin D
• Folic Acid
• Iron
• Ambien

There are the requisite "as needed" ones such as allergies, anti-imflammitories, headaches, nausea, etc. (about 20 others, sadly. Makes me nervous to fly :-P)

Overall Life:

Well, my digestive system has decided that I will not tolerate anything other than the foods that follow the most straight definition of healthy. Whole grains, vegetable fats (hummus, guac, etc.), lean meats, TONS of veggies and fruits are my friends. anything else is NOT. While I will miss all of the fast food, it makes finding things hard to eat. I'm attending a conference soon, and it's going to be difficult to make smart decisions.

Graduating counseling is both awesome as well as nerve wracking. I feel like I'm a baby bird being shoved out of the nest. However, I'm assured I can call her to schedule appts as needed. Awesome!

Work:

Work has gone from being very difficult and considering other job options to staying it out and hoping for a new position in the same department, to being ok with where I am and making it work. Apparently relationship problem solving is important. Who knew? I've been told before that while I'm on the high end intelligent (not a brag, just a fact - and I know my statistics :-P), I lack the ability to apply it to relationships. Once I started applying that critical thinking and problem solving to my coworkers, things started to get along much better! They might never be my favorite people to work with, but we can all have a professional relationship. 

Marriage:

This was a massive change within a month. [Backstory: I took a "vacation" in LA for 9 days (my sis and bil needed a dog and house sitter, and I needed a vacation and to see my best friend. Fantastic trade on all accounts!] At the start I was very hesitant and starting to feel hopeless. However, after the seven days of sex, it really became clear how much we mean to him and just how little I'm fulfilling him in his love languages and discovering mine. We are serving each other in the other's lover languages and really working on communication and being a husband and wife, in those roles. Of course things will always come up, but it seems like they are more "typical" husband and wife things as opposed to "possibly gay and cheating husband" and "mentally unstable" wife. That said, we will always be the latter, and I'm really ok with that. That's how we will be. Some days will be hard, some will be easy. Regardless of the day, I have to be ok with what it is, and know how to handle it.

Conclusion: There is none. Living life with mental illness and infidelity in marriage will always been an adventure. I hope my outlook is always this positive, and I can guarantee you that I will be rereading this post many, many times again. There are so many things I can't control, and honestly, so many things I don't want to control. 

Takeaway: 

It's worth it. 

Even on the days that my heart is completely broken, I admit it, sometimes I hide, but at the end of the day I'm still alive, and that may be the best that I can do. It fucking sucks.

On the flip side, there are days that I'm fabulous, kick ass at everything I do, and am completely positive and think that suicide could never be an option.  I never know until I wake up. But something that I ALWAYS know: IT'S WORTH IT. 

I have felt such love from a dear colleague and friend this week to whom I dedicate this particular post. I am so inspired by her and she continuously reminds me that I am not alone and it is worth it. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. The courage needed to fight MI is just as strong as the courage needed to fight any other disease. A loss to MI is just as sad and blameless as a loss to any other disease.

We have a community, even if you don't know it. There is always someone's heart who is breaking for yours. I love you is not said enough. If YOU need to hear this, hear it now. I love you. You are worth it.

EEEEEEE!

Depression: 2
Anxiety: 4

The session:

Remember back when I did my countdown post? Yeah, I'm right in the middle of that. I have exactly 3 days to perfect a project I have been working on for months, and that goes live on Friday. EEEEEEE! I'm so torn between wanting to drink all of the caffeine and drink none of it because I know it will make me jittery, but possibly more productive. Solutions, anyone?

In other (much better, awesome, fantastic) news, my husband and I are renewing our vows on November 10th! I could not be more grateful to how God has renewed and healed my heart. I'm so excited to be entering into a new covenant with a changed, Jesus-centered man. God can resurrect anything and we are living proof of that.

Of course, that also means I get to plan another "wedding" (read: tiny, intimate ceremony with church leadership and family only) which just makes me giddy! EEEEEEEE! Therefore, you guys get a preview and all comments/critiques are appreciated!!

The bouquet (with scripture and teal flowers):

via Pinterest

The shoes:

Steve Madden via DSW

The hair (ribbon and flower in teal):

via Pinterest

And finally, the dress:

via J. Crew Wedding