Sometimes it's OK to not be OK.

Depression: 8
Anxiety: 9

The session: It's a bad day. It's been a bad 24+ hours, all related to "The Event" but I'm not ready to go into it.  But sometimes it's OK to not be OK, and that's what I'm learning. Therefore, it's ok

... to not be 100% OK 100% of the time. Sometimes things are broken and the only way you can fix them is by first aknowledging they're broken.
... that I will be making use of my "as needed" Xanax today. Within medically suggested guidelines, of course.
... to know that I had the right conversation, but to still think it completely sucks.
... to think that using my Starbucks card with money on it doesn't really count as spending money because it's money I've already spent loading it.
... that I'm procrastinating on some work to write this blog because I'm internally processing the order in which I want to complete the work tasks.
... that I'm psyching myself up to make a phone call that I don't want to make, even though it's an easy one. I don't like talking on the phone and that's ok.
... to be ridiculously excited to work from home in sweats and a blanket tomorrow.
... to be depressed and anxious about it, but still earnestly believe that things will get better.
... to know my God is working even when I can't see it, but still need to repeat that over and over again. I will always choose to believe.

Take things one day at a time.

Depression level: 5. Not as good as I've been feeling lately, but still not horrific.
Anxiety level: 8. Definitely better than yesterday, with it being my first day back, but also definitely feeling being thrown back into the swing of things.

The session:

Yesterday was my first day back at work and I only took one of my "as needed" Xanax, which is awesome! Fortunately, it was a very quiet day in the office and I was allowed to just sit at my desk and catch up, which was greatly appreciated. As an introvert with anxiety problems, being alone and left to my tasks is when I thrive, especially when they are creative tasks :)

Speaking of creativity, and doing things one at a time, I'm trying something new:

• At least 10 minutes of creative expression a day (painting, crafting, crocheting, HTML-ing, whatever).
• At least 10 minutes of physical activity a day (meandering, yoga, running, stretching, just something).
• At least 10 minutes of sole-ly me time to do whatever I want without input from anyone else, and without any "shoulds" hanging over my head.

Just 10 minutes, once a day, for three things that I can't feel guilty about. I've been doing this for about two weeks and it has really helped. I feel like I've accomplished something, but it's not a huge time committment. There are times that I don't necessarily want to craft or "work out" but I feel so much better when I'm done that it usually continues for longer. It's a way to hopefully jump-start some the interests I seem to have lost.

What would be your "just ten minues, once a day?"

I see you're trying to be more social. On Sundays..

Depression level: 3. Attempting to be virtually social here. :)
Anxiety level: 9! I go back to work tomorrow.

via

The Session, or the Sunday Socializing:

1. What is the name of your blog and how did you come up with it?

My blog name is "Depressed and Anxious About It" because I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but I try not to take myself to seriously. This blog is how those disorders affect my life in an honest, and sometimes funny, way. I feel the need to add a disclaimer to this: This is purely my experience. I do not speak for others who have these disorders :)

2. What do you love the most about blogging?

Giving myself a creative outlet and maybe helping others out there who share my challenges.

3. What are your 2 favorite posts you've written?

• "Please have a seat" because I finally got up the courage (and energy) to start sharing what I'm going through, even if it is anonymously. That's a big step for me.
• "It sounds like you've found something that works!" because I think it shows a shift in my thoughts from taking on everything myself and everything being my fault, to playing the hand I'm dealt with in the best way I can, using the tools that I've been given. 

4. What is something you'd want to tell someone just starting out in blog world?

Even if it's short, get into the habit of writing SOMETHING to suit the the schedule of how often you thought you'd blog. Heck, just post a picture (with due credit, of course). Still learning this one myself.

5. Biggest blogging learning experience you've had?

Scheduling helps you post consistently!

6. Give us 3 blogs we NEED to be following that you love!

I'm also still exploring the personal blogs (as opposed to topic based) that I want to read so I'd have to go with Suri's Burn Book, STFU Parents, and Ashley's Carnival Ride (but you already knew that!).

Just keep repeating "It's OK"

Diagnosis: Slowly confirming Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (a change from Bipolar Disorder Type II, diagnosed 9 years ago). Apparently those types of things don't change overnight, but take months.
Depression: 3

Anxiety: 7

The session:

I'm going back to work next week after four weeks of FMLA and one week of vacation, so a total of five weeks off. Anxiety might be a little high. Therefore, I just keep repeating "It's OK"

... to not please everyone 100% of the time.

... to not tell everyone at work all the details of what I've been going through, but to anonymously tell the interwebs. Anonymity is glorious.

... to issue a giant "thank you" to the ModCloth 70% off sale for helping me feel fabulous in preparation for going back to work.

... to be thoroughly enjoying sleeping in while I can.

... that I'm relishing non-real pants also while I can.

... to STILL be ridiculously excited about my new iced latte recipe that is delicious and saves money.

... to start to see a pattern of going back to work = new stuff. :)

... to have read way more young adult books as opposed to more serious, philosophical literature while I've been home.

... that I'm nervous about going back to work. That's natural, right?

... to create a post-it note (or a huge canvas) saying "It's OK" to put in my office!
... to appreciate one of the "sometimes funny" moments of mental health that I had the other night: Just had dinner, took my meds as usual, took a nice relaxing bath, stood up, and nearly passed out from side effect of random, massive blood sugar drop. 5 more minutes and Biletteral would have found me on the floor in our bathroom. I used it as an excuse to eat ice cream.

It sounds like you've found something that works!

Yes! Believe it or not!

Diagnosis: Slowly moving to confirmed Major Depressive Disorder AND Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Meds
Depression level: 3
Anxiety level: 6

The session:

Abilify was definitely not working, so they started me on a new one: Latuda. Is it just me or does it sound like it should be a med similar to Beano? OK, just me apparently :). I wasn't sleeping, was severely anxious (in retrospect), and was definitely overwhelmed. Checking emails would cause my pulse to race, interacting with people was definitely not appealing, and the possibility of letting someone down was enough to shut me down for the night.

Lately, things are better. I conquered setting up our printer as a scanner (boom!), did normal errands wearing regular pants and didn't cringe (bazinga!), and even was proactive instead of reactive (kapow!). Definite victories on my part.

The three things that are still a struggle:
Sleep
Dealing with anxiety on a daily, every day basis
Communicating

Maybe I should just resign myself to always either sleeping too much or not enough! Ha. Ha. Haaaaa. Definitely not funny. However, yet again, I'm reminded that this is what FMLA is for and I'm very blessed to have employers who encourage me to use it. (See a change in mindset?!) Hopefully this will all be resolved before next week, or at least better sorted out. Sleeping from 11-11 is not good, but then again, neither is 10-1 and then 3-6.

Despite 9 years of learning how to live and express my self in a valid, positive manner, apparently a change in diagnosis requires some retraining. Who knew? :) It turns out that learning how to accurately identify my daily anxieties (feeling inadequate for forgetting to do something, feeling overwhelmed when asked to do something unplanned) and then treat and express them instead of dismissing them is a huge "learning opportunity."

Biletteral and I are always working on communication, as every married couple does.  I'm realizing that when I'm anxious about something, it translates to irritability and comes out through my communication. Even just by recognizing that I'm (hopefully!) able to better process how I feel and get to the root of the issue instead of just being cranky! Also, I realized that my doctor prescribed me "as needed" Xanax for a reason. To use it. It's not being weak, it's not being drugged, it's a tool to use to help me cope.

I feel like I'm always going to try to rely on the Lord as much as I possibly can, but sometimes He gives us tools that aren't always supernatural. Sometimes they come in the form of pills and medical science. I am so grateful for the grace He gives me in the form of His presence, wisdom, and yes, pills.