Tuesday, September 4, 2012

It sounds like you've found something that works!

Yes! Believe it or not!

Diagnosis: Slowly moving to confirmed Major Depressive Disorder AND Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Depression level: 3
Anxiety level: 6

The session:

Abilify was definitely not working, so they started me on a new one: Latuda. Is it just me or does it sound like it should be a med similar to Beano? OK, just me apparently :). I wasn't sleeping, was severely anxious (in retrospect), and was definitely overwhelmed. Checking emails would cause my pulse to race, interacting with people was definitely not appealing, and the possibility of letting someone down was enough to shut me down for the night.

Lately, things are better. I conquered setting up our printer as a scanner (boom!), did normal errands wearing regular pants and didn't cringe (bazinga!), and even was proactive instead of reactive (kapow!). Definite victories on my part.

The three things that are still a struggle:
Dealing with anxiety on a daily, every day basis

Maybe I should just resign myself to always either sleeping too much or not enough! Ha. Ha. Haaaaa. Definitely not funny. However, yet again, I'm reminded that this is what FMLA is for and I'm very blessed to have employers who encourage me to use it. (See a change in mindset?!) Hopefully this will all be resolved before next week, or at least better sorted out. Sleeping from 11-11 is not good, but then again, neither is 10-1 and then 3-6.

Despite 9 years of learning how to live and express my self in a valid, positive manner, apparently a change in diagnosis requires some retraining. Who knew? :) It turns out that learning how to accurately identify my daily anxieties (feeling inadequate for forgetting to do something, feeling overwhelmed when asked to do something unplanned) and then treat and express them instead of dismissing them is a huge "learning opportunity."

Biletteral and I are always working on communication, as every married couple does.  I'm realizing that when I'm anxious about something, it translates to irritability and comes out through my communication. Even just by recognizing that I'm (hopefully!) able to better process how I feel and get to the root of the issue instead of just being cranky! Also, I realized that my doctor prescribed me "as needed" Xanax for a reason. To use it. It's not being weak, it's not being drugged, it's a tool to use to help me cope.

I feel like I'm always going to try to rely on the Lord as much as I possibly can, but sometimes He gives us tools that aren't always supernatural. Sometimes they come in the form of pills and medical science. I am so grateful for the grace He gives me in the form of His presence, wisdom, and yes, pills.

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