Tuesday, August 14, 2012

How have you been since the last time we talked?

Diagnosis: Bipolar Disorder, Type II

Today's medications:
  • Pristiq, 100 mg, AM
  • Abilify, 5 mg, AM
  • Alprazolam, .5 mg, PM
  • Lithium Carbonate, 150 mg, PM (tapering off)
  • Z pack, 1 daily
Current depression: 5. I mean, I'm doing something productive right? It can't be all that bad. I'm not wearing "real" pants, but since I'm at home, that's not exactly abnormal.

Current anxiety: 8. Going to my regular physician today. Convinced I have a sinus infection, already finishing up a z pack from a whooping cough exposure, and also getting checked for bed bugs. Yeah. Great day. Also filling out forms for FMLA. Look forward to an exciting post below!

The Session:
I was going to rank my anxiety lower, but then I started thinking about what I need to do today and then I realized it's higher than I expected. It's high because I have to go to my regular doctor. This is both funny and anxiety inducing. It's funny because if I don't laugh I cry.

Last week, my husband, Biletteral (his name is made up of initials. I thought I was clever.), and I went on vacation to visit my sister (The Letter C) and her husband (The Blue Wombat), stopping along the way to see my grandmother and aunt. We had a delightful dinner with them, but our hotel was pretty much the opposite. While being a recognizable name (Days Inn Metrocenter. Yeah, I'm throwing them under the bus), it was seedy. SEEDY I tell you! We had to plunge our own clogged toilet (that was not our cause), do without promised wifi, and sleep in a smokey smelling, non-smoking room. OK, it's one night. I can deal with this. We weren't murdered and were quickly on our way.

Lest I forget, early that Saturday morning, I received a phone call from my dentist saying that he and his one year old son both tested positive for whooping cough and I needed a zpack and a shot. Sure, it's a PITA, but, I'm far more concerned about his son than my inconvenience. 

We have a lovely time and make sure to hit all of our food destinations and eating our way through our vacation. I was very surprised considering I started 2 new meds the day before we left. I am side effect girl. My superpower is that I get every side effect possible and can vomit at will. However, I being me, and this trip being what it is, I can't get too lucky. While eating some of the best grits and soup (don't judge me, I really love side dishes), I started to feel nauseated, dizzy, hot, and generally faint. I excused myself to the rest room and immediately sat down on the floor (not so cleanly, I know, but I had no other option). I guess I blacked out because I woke up some time later with a line waiting for my stall and my face on the toilet seat. Words cannot express my panic at how gross it was and I immediately sanitized my face with all the products they tell you to avoid putting near your eyes. Seriously?! Who else does this happen to?!

We spend the rest of our vacation very much enjoying The Letter C and TBW until the day before we are supposed to leave. Both Biletteral and I start noticing we are itchy and have these bites everywhere. Bed bugs. From the seedy hotel. GAH! Now I'm pissed.  I'm tired, cranky, itchy, have the start of a sinus infection, and now need to bag everything up and quarantine my favorite outfits and everything in our car for a week before going to a laundry mat for washing. We'll see what else the dr. has in store for us.

Lesson learned: No more vacations. No, I'm kidding. I'm really waiting for the day that this becomes a hilarious story of the ridiculous vacation we took. I'm really proud of myself for not freaking out, not losing my cool, and trying to make the best of the situation. I'm trying to focus on the positives of our vacation.

Moving on...

Another reason I'm going to the doctor today is to fill out FMLA Medical Leave paperwork. I feel like such a failure. I know things have been crappy lately (I'm doing a background post soon), but I feel like if I just tried a little bit harder, or prayed a little bit more, then I wouldn't have to be doing this. What am I doing wrong? What am I missing that everybody else can handle bad situations and I can't? Why can't I get my stuff together? I don't understand why it's so hard for me to send one an email. It's not hard. Even when I was first diagnosed during my freshman year of college, I still had a 3.5 GPA. I haven't ever struggled this much and I don't understand why I can't work through it. Really, I think what it comes down to is that I'm giving my best right now and it's not good enough and don't understand why, nor can I accept that.

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