The Unsocial Sunday

Depression: 4
Anxiety: 6

Headaches: off the charts

The session:

I am definitely not feeling well today. Yay side effects :-/. But I am still definitely going to link up with Ashley for the Sunday Social. And then return to my bed. Or couch. It has yet to be determined.

1. What do you miss about being a kid?
That I didn't have these problems. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 18 and I didn't exhibit any problems until about 14. I may have been a little more introverted and prone to bottling things up and then crying myself into a mess, but nothing more than your standard child.

2. Did you have a nickname growing up? What was it?
My parents were dead set against nicknames, but somehow, throughout my entire life, all of the people who have been my best friends have called me the same nickname, without me telling them what it was. It's awesome :)

3. What was your favorite thing to do at recess?
Swings. Until I broke four fingers when the chain came undone. Then it was slides.

4. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Well, I'm still figuring that out, but from age 6 to freshman year of college, I wanted to be an orthodontist. Maybe I was a stranger child than I thought...

5. What was your favorite toy?
Legos or playdough, hands down. Anything I could create with.

6. What is the funniest thing you did as a kid that your parents still remind you about?
Oh goodness. There's so much; what to pick, what to pick? Well, I would make up a song and dance routine for every family gathering, particularly one called "Dance to the music of life."  from the kid who had never had a dance lesson. This was, in fact, brought up at my wedding. Awesome. Thanks family! :)

If I did reviews and giveaways...

Depression: 6
Anxiety: 5

The session:

Honestly, it's less depression and more situational sadness. My best friend left this morning and I'm in a funk. However, I was reading blogs to cheer myself up and saw a lot of product reviews and giveaways. I then started thinking about what people* would want me to review and give away, based on my blog's topic. Here is a list of products that people* think I would like and want me to promote to you:

• Different meds
• Kittens
• Yoga memberships
• Probably alcohol (bad idea)
• Anti-nausea remedies
• Motivational posters
• Self-help books
• Art supplies
• Cute animal YouTube videos
• Coffee (for days I can't get up)
• Beds and pillows (for nights I can't go to sleep)

"Tweet about this post for your chance to win this kitten, recommended by Patient L!" I'm not sure how well that would go over.

You can't have this one. This kitten is mine and her name is Boo :)

*The fictional masses that are impressed by my blogging prowess and have decided I am an influencer of things and therefore want to send me free stuff.

It will be OK when I say it is!

Depression: 4
Anxiety: 7

The session: I'm under a bit of stress for the next 27 days, on a personal and professional level, so today I decided that while somethings are OK, somethings definitely aren't. Thanks to Neely and Amber for letting, nay, encouraging me to vent!


It's OK...
... that my best friend is moving and to throw myself a pity party for a night, then get over myself.
... that I can write HTML code but still have my husband transfer my contacts/music/apps/everything because I can't (read: refuse to) figure out how to do it myself.
... to avoid writing content by doing other productive things, like cleaning my office!
... to use an old person 7 day pill-holder to keep track of my meds. Except I use each spot for a different med, not for the days of the week.
... that I'm actually looking forward to my psych appointment on Friday. I'm thinking a few tweaks but a relatively uneventful visit! Woo!
... to have so much to do and only want to hide under my covers and do none of it. Possibly while eating. (Bridget Jones reference. Anyone?)
... to spend the extra $200 in my paycheck (yay adjuncting!) on a nice dinner and part of my new tattoo :)
... that my perception of earth tones is apparently different than everyone else's. Blue is in the sky and water, people! Those are associated with the earth!
... to have things that are NOT OK!

It is NOT OK...
... to have a cup of coffee to wake me up but then have to take a Xanax to stop the shaking.
... to have had an intense headache daily for months now and feel like I have to choose between meds and side effects.
... that my best friend is moving. Apparently still not over myself yet.
... when coworkers ask me how my "vacation" was when referring to my time out for FMLA.
... that Target has tons of cute clothes when I have a self-imposed shopping ban (I know, my own fault).
... to 10 and 11 hour days every day this week and STILL take work home with me.
... that this will probably continue for the next 27ish days.
... that as a result, I will probably build a stock pile of wine (well, that might be OK since I will drink in a mature and responsible manner [seriously, I am really careful about that]).

What's OK (or not) with you?

The final countdown! Wait. That sounds bad.

Depression: 2
Anxiety: 7

The session:

My anxiety is starting to creep up again as my schedule packs in with really important deadlines. My workplace has a stoplight system of when your work schedule is heavy, medium, or light, and I feel like I've constantly had my button on red! So, I thought I'd take a moment to make a lighthearted countdown about what my upcoming schedule will look like. To make me feel better.

Enjoy!

Best friend moves in 2 days. Cry all the tears and drink all the wine!

Content for large project due in 6 days. Write all the things!

Leave the country and present internationally in 10 days. Teach all the things! 

...and eat all the things!

Complete the design for large project, by myself, in 21 days (and 3 days after I return to the country). Drink all the coffee!

Final draft of project is due in 24 days. Work all the hours!

Large project goes live in 27 days. Panic all the times!

Day 28:

Like a boss.

(Actually, probably back to cry all the tears and drink all the wine)

Tell me your top 10 reasons you worry

Depression: 3
Anxiety: 6

The session:



This Tuesday I'm doing a link up called the "Top 10" and I started thinking about what would be in my top tens. I thought  top 10 meds, but that seemed not likely to translate well to a general blogging population or be helpful; then the top 10 times I thought I lost my mind, but again, not so great; so I've settled on the top 10 things I worry about. I've also added three responses I feel they should have: Get over it, don't stress, and valid concern.

10. That people won't like me. Response: get over it. Not everyone is going to like me. I like me, that should be enough.

9. My husband will have another incident. Response: valid, leaning to don't stress. It is, of course, a valid concern, but the more time goes by and the deeper we get into our marriage counseling, the more I can feel myself letting go of the constant, deep anxiety.

8. I won't know when I'm not doing well. Response: valid. I feel the need to be hyper vigilant and making sure that I'm in check - constantly. Fortunately, I have an awesome support system, all of whom feel comfortable letting me know if I'm not quite myself.

7. Gaining weight. Response: get over it. I hate that I worry about this. And it all comes down to my self esteem! I mean, seriously, if I gain weight, from a side-effect or otherwise, I need to get over myself. Doesn't mean it's not hard, though :-/

6. That people will suddenly wake up and realize I have no idea what I'm doing. Response: don't stress. I don't have all the answers but I'm good at finding them. I do need to stay on my game, but I've been successful in my career so far so....

5. I will pass on everything I struggle with to my children. Response: don't stress. Number 1, we don't even have kids and aren't planning on that for a while so I don't need to worry about it now. Number 2, they'll be perfect for who they are, regardless.

4. I'm an adult. Response: get over it. Ahhhh! I'm an adult! I have to make tough decisions and want to hide in my closet from them. That's what blogging is for. And running. And yoga. I can do it!

3. That I will be thrown in jail. Keep in mind, the most trouble I've gotten into is 2 speeding tickets, but I'm constantly convinced that I'm going to be pulled over and then there will be something wrong with my registration and they'll put me in jail. Response: get over it or get into more trouble. :)

2. Large social gatherings. Response: don't stress. I am great one-on-one and I'm great in a large group that I'm teaching/training/professionally participating in, but socially I'm just awkward.

1. That I'm never enough and I'm too much at the same time. Response: valid.  I hate being a burden on anyone and at the same time I worry that I'm not doing enough. I'm not a good enough worker, I'm not a good enough wife. I'm too needy. Etc. All I can do is the best I can and do what God put me here to do.

What do you worry about? Destress here!

Sunday Social

Depression: 3
Anxiety: 5

The session:


1. What is something you have wanted to do but are afraid of?
Start training for the marathon. My training plan starts off with just 1 mile, but once I start I know I'm committed and I'm worried I won't be able to complete it. I'm afraid of not living up to my goal. I just need to start! If I never start, I definitely won't reach my goals. OK. New resolution: start training this week.

2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

That is a really good question. Gah! What's with the really good/hard questions lately? OK. I used to have this picture of exactly where I'd be with my job, and husband, and family. Then it felt like my husband took a sledgehammer to it and it shattered into thousands of pieces in The Event. However, in all of that, I think it made me realize that even the things you're 100% sure of are never to be taken for granted. I'll be where I am in 5 years. That's all I can accurately say.

3. What are you looking forward to before the end of 2012?

Just the end of 2012 is enough for me! It's been a ridiculously awful year and I just want it over with.

4. What are your hopes for your blog?

First, that I would find solace, reflection, and a place for expression. Secondly, that anyone else who struggles with similar challenges would find support and know that they're not alone.

5. Do you always see yourself living in your current town/city?

Maybe, maybe not. I grew up moving around a whole lot, so it wouldn't devastate me to leave, but at the same time, this (8 years) is the longest I've lived anywhere, so I wouldn't mind putting down actual roots.

6. What is your morning routine?
Hit snooze until I have 14 minutes until I have to leave, throw on a work appropriate outfit (jeans, shirt, cardigan, nice shoes/heels, accessory), deodorize, put two bobby pins in my hair, brush my teeth and use mouthwash, feed the cats, feed the dogs, pour a large glass of water and run out the door. Have I mentioned I am not a morning person?

Those are just some side effects.

Depression: 3
Anxiety: 4

The session:
If I were a superhero, I would be Side-Effect Girl! Able to vomit at will! Breaks out in hives with a single dose!

[This is where the awesome illustration would go, but I can't draw and my illustrator-extraordinaire/friend/coworker is busy working on actual work]

If I'm not flat out allergic to a medication, you can bet I'll get at least one of the side effects.

Looking at my depression and anxiety numbers since I've been blogging, it's clear the medicine is working, now I just have to decide if it's worth the top 5 side effect villains:

5.  Unpredictable weight changes! Up or down, no one knows; side-kick of the scale; can boost or drop your self esteem daily!
I've given up on the scale. And pant sizes for that matter. I never know if I'm going to gain or lose weight, nor the bodily location of that adjustment. Makes buy clothes far less than fun.

4. Body vibration! Shaken, not stirred; makes use of autocorrect, or autocorrect fails; constant companion!
Uh. I hate this. I really do vibrate all the time, and it sucks. Sometimes it's just tremors that I see in my hands that makes typing really difficult, and sometimes I feel like I can't sit still.

3. Medicine dependent sleep cycle! No flexibility, resistant to change, decimated naps!
No more mid-day 3 hour naps, no more sleeping in until 11 on weekends. I have to take my meds at a certain time each night to ensure 9 hours of sleep a night, but that's it. Not only that, but if I don't take the meds, I don't sleep well, or at all. Not so fond of this one, but it does make me predictable. The problem comes if I have a late night or an early morning.

2. Debilitating headaches! Lasts for days, unresponsive to treatment, reduces plans to sitting on the couch in the dark!
I've always gotten headaches, but lately they've been worse than usual and I actually got a migraine yesterday and had to go get shots of Demerol and Phenergan.  I have just recently arisen from the shot-induced mini coma (slept from 4:30 yesterday afternoon until 8:20 this morning. I do think I woke up to inhale some chicken strips but I only have a vague memory of that so it could have been a dream).

And the number one, worst side effect:

1. Unreliable digestive system! Strikes without warning, unpredictable exit strategy, able to incapacitate you for hours at a time!
 This is an example of an embarrassing/funny/honest part of my blog. I keep Pepto Bismal pills on hand because if I eat something that doesn't like me, I have about five minutes warning before it will make an appearance, one way or another. This is not a side effect people warn you about! This usually happens to me about once a day. If I find a "safe" food, I'll usually eat it multiple times a week. I guess the silver lining to this one is that the foods that don't seem to like me are ones that are unhealthy - fast food, high in bad fats, unnatural foods, etc. I'm "stuck" eating lots of salads, whole grains, and stuff you should be eating anyway. Now instead of gaining weight, my body just won't tolerate the other stuff at all anymore.

It's OK.

Depression: 4
Anxiety: 6

The session:

I'm linking up with It's OK for the third week in a row! How's that for consistent? :)

... that I'm busy at home and busy at work. Mostly busy is just how I like it. I hate getting bored.

... to put on my mommy pants and call out inappropriate gossiping during a work meeting for what it was. I was nice, polite, and hated what I was hearing, so I stopped it, but I still hate conflict and it's left me with anxiety that now everyone hates me. Does that give anyone else anxiety?

... to buy a 1.9 pound bag of Swedish Fish. It's NOT ok to eat the entire bag in one sitting so I did not do that.

... to wish I could put an owl on my nametag, business cards, and nameplate. It's weirdly become my "thing" at work so I feel like it should officially be granted privileges :)

... that I'm completely motivated to write my own papers, conference proposals, and presentations, but when it comes to working on a topic I'm not interested in, I procrastinate.

... to already be picking my proposal topics for the upcoming year because I'm a nerd like that.

... to wish I had a recliner, my laptop, and pjs at work. I'd be much more productive.

... to use link ups as a way to enforce blogging consistently.

... to wear my sunglasses over my regular glasses while driving but take them off as soon as I get out of the car because while I am that nerdy, I don't people to actually see me looking like it!

... that despite being loads better in the depression and anxiety areas, to some days just feel not good and wish FMLA covered random "mental health" days off. Maybe I should suggest that to my psych.

... to focus on the bright spot: hubs is taking me to the Melting Pot tonight! Yaaaaaaaaay!

What are the things you love?

Depression: 3

Anxiety: 5

The session:

I'm trying to think positively, which, as I'm sure you realize, can be hard for me at times. I'm a positive, depressed person, which is odd, I assure you :) However, things are somewhat starting to look better and I want to keep that train rolling!

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I'm loving that I only had one semi-fainting/low blood pressure spell this week!

I'm loving the weather! Under 90 is beautiful. Break out the cardigans (and sneaky hoodies that look like cardigans and are therefore appropriate for work).

I'm loving my Old Navy cropped and cuffed boyfriend khakis, which is really surprising since I didn't think they would fit me well (5'9", 160 lbs).

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I'm loving that I'm using Polyvore and Pinterest while at work for an actual work project.

I'm loving the support I'm getting from IRL and interwebs friends. It really does help.

I'm loving that my husband sends me a "cat of the day" video/gif/pic.



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I'm loving the single the band I'm in (So Rejoice) put out. I may or may not be playing it on repeat and I may or may not be doing a shameless plug. 

The Event

First of all, this has been the most difficult period of time in my entire life (if you haven't read my history, check it out here). Please give me grace as you read, considering that putting this down on "paper" is a challenge in and of itself, let alone making it quality writing.

I'm NOT trying to blame, harm, or absolve my husband, nor am I asking for any sympathy. I am simply sharing the short version of my experience in an effort to be transparent, help readers (and myself!) understand why I am the way I am, and hopefully encourage others out there who may be struggling.

My husband and I have been together 5 years before our wedding, and had been married for about a year and a half when this occurred.

On Day 1, he told me that he had sexually experimented in his past, particularly with homosexual acts with one particular, same-aged individual. However, I did not know this individual and it had occurred at least 5 years before our relationship, when he was younger and it was born of molestation from this individual. I was clearly shocked, especially considering he hadn't told me at all before we got married, but I understood how that was clearly a traumatizing time in his life, and I wanted to support him however I could.

The next night, on Day 2, he revealed that the incidences had actually continued throughout our relationship (before and after marriage) and the last one had occurred 6 months previously, while I was out of town. I immediately packed a bag, left, and called my best friend hysterically. After 6 shots of vodka and a long island ice tea, I returned to my house (dropped off) and made a surprisingly sober decision that we would work on our relationship and not let this ruin our marriage.

On Day 3, he told me that yes, in fact I did know this individual and we had attended his wedding.


These three days are such a blur. Actually, almost all the time after this has been a blur. We immediately sought counsel at our church, and have been in individual and marital therapy ever since. Currently we are still together, although sleeping in different bedrooms. I cannot express the amount of heartbreak I have gone through, as well as the extent of the rest of my emotions, which includes everything from anger to hope. We continue to work on our relationship daily, with good days and bad days. There have been no incidences, or contact between him and the individual since he told me, nor will there be in the future (he assures me).  Again, I do not write this to harm or shame my husband, nor for sympathy or judgment.

You sound like you're afraid of what people will think.

Depression: 4
Anxiety: 7

The session:

I've had a wicked headache all weekend leading into today. I can't tell if I'm more frustrated or in pain.

However, that's besides the point. I started this blog to be able to express myself and share my experiences. But now that I'm blogging and actually have followers (Wow! Hi!), I'm wondering how personal is too personal. I wrote a post last week that's about "The Event" and now I can't decide if I should post it or not. It is by far the most personal thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life and I'm struggling with if transparency or TMI is winning out.

Part of it is that I worry what people will think. No doubt we've all made controversial decisions in our lives, but who wants to be called out on it over the interwebs?! And it's not like I'd advocate everyone to make the same decision, and in face, they're decisions I'm still struggling with.

So. What do you guys think? How personal is too personal?

How's your social life?

Depression: 5. While I wouldn't necessarily consider it traditional depression, I'm just not happy with where I am in life lately.
Anxiety: 7.
The social session:
That actually has a dual meaning - Biletteral and I have resumed counseling together in addition to separately. I like the idea of having a third-party counselor there who is objective and can somehow translate what he says into something I understand and vice versa. Really helps for communication! Who knew? It also helps to have a professional explaining to him what I'm going through in ways far better than I can express.

The second meaning is The Sunday Social!

1. What are 3 items you can't live without on a daily basis (water, food shelter, and clothes don't count)?

A computing device, "inside" pants (separate from clothes!), and my cats (package deal).

2. What is your all-time favorite book? Why?

The Folk of the Faraway Tree by Enid Blyton. I spent part of my childhood in Australia and this is one of the books we brought back that I read as a child, teen, and now adult and STILL love!


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3. What is something you'd like to accomplish before the end of 2012?

I'd say marathon but I can't run in the heat so that rules out marathon training until fall starts which rules out marathons until spring. But I digress. Hmmmm. Ooh!  Nailing down the right combination and dosages of meds.

 

4. If you could go back home and relieve any year of your life, which year would it be?

Believe it or not, my freshman year of highschool was pretty awesome. I had been in the same school for four years (a record that still stands), and had a great relationship with my parents as well as an awesome group of friends. This was before any anxiety or depression started.

 

5. What do you wish people know about you without having to tell them?

This has got to be one of the best questions I've been asked in a long time. I actually had to tell someone that this week and it was both terrible and incredible at the same time. I'm happy to report that it ended positively because it was heartbreaking to think about it ending otherwise.
On a less evasive level, I wish people at work knew how much I was struggling. It's hard when I don't live up to my or their standards but can't really tell them why. I'm doing the best I can.

Have you tried writing letters?

Depression: 6
Anxiety: 6

The session:


Dear big decision I made:
     I'm coming to terms with you, but that doesn't mean I don't still question myself. Or that I'm 100% ok with you. I'm just trying to do the best I can.

Dear Xanax:
     You're my favorite, but don't tell the others.

Dear rainy football weekend:
     You sure took your sweet time to get here, but I'd be happy for you to stay.

Dear first week back to work:
     Thank you for being (mostly) gentle with me.

Dear coworker:
     Thank you for the conversation. I understand my time away was difficult and I really appreciate the work you did and then coming to me with your feelings. I feel better with the air cleared between us, and you kicked ass on the project.

Dear other coworkers:
     Thank you so much for the "whoooo loves you" owl picture frame with the Buddy Christ in it and the owl dish for my return. You really made my day and helped me feel significantly less anxious about an unfortunate situation.

Dear best friend:
     I am so excited for you that you're moving to California. Forgive me my own tantrum that you're leaving me :) Sad panda.

Dear public library:
     Thank you for letting me check out ebooks without leaving the comfort of my couch!

Dear followers and commenters:
     Thanks for making me feel special and like I'm not out here all by myself. It really, really helps!

Dear work presentation:
     L-Hulk smash!

Sometimes it's OK to not be OK.

Depression: 8
Anxiety: 9

The session: It's a bad day. It's been a bad 24+ hours, all related to "The Event" but I'm not ready to go into it.  But sometimes it's OK to not be OK, and that's what I'm learning. Therefore, it's ok

... to not be 100% OK 100% of the time. Sometimes things are broken and the only way you can fix them is by first aknowledging they're broken.
... that I will be making use of my "as needed" Xanax today. Within medically suggested guidelines, of course.
... to know that I had the right conversation, but to still think it completely sucks.
... to think that using my Starbucks card with money on it doesn't really count as spending money because it's money I've already spent loading it.
... that I'm procrastinating on some work to write this blog because I'm internally processing the order in which I want to complete the work tasks.
... that I'm psyching myself up to make a phone call that I don't want to make, even though it's an easy one. I don't like talking on the phone and that's ok.
... to be ridiculously excited to work from home in sweats and a blanket tomorrow.
... to be depressed and anxious about it, but still earnestly believe that things will get better.
... to know my God is working even when I can't see it, but still need to repeat that over and over again. I will always choose to believe.

Take things one day at a time.

Depression level: 5. Not as good as I've been feeling lately, but still not horrific.
Anxiety level: 8. Definitely better than yesterday, with it being my first day back, but also definitely feeling being thrown back into the swing of things.

The session:

Yesterday was my first day back at work and I only took one of my "as needed" Xanax, which is awesome! Fortunately, it was a very quiet day in the office and I was allowed to just sit at my desk and catch up, which was greatly appreciated. As an introvert with anxiety problems, being alone and left to my tasks is when I thrive, especially when they are creative tasks :)

Speaking of creativity, and doing things one at a time, I'm trying something new:

• At least 10 minutes of creative expression a day (painting, crafting, crocheting, HTML-ing, whatever).
• At least 10 minutes of physical activity a day (meandering, yoga, running, stretching, just something).
• At least 10 minutes of sole-ly me time to do whatever I want without input from anyone else, and without any "shoulds" hanging over my head.

Just 10 minutes, once a day, for three things that I can't feel guilty about. I've been doing this for about two weeks and it has really helped. I feel like I've accomplished something, but it's not a huge time committment. There are times that I don't necessarily want to craft or "work out" but I feel so much better when I'm done that it usually continues for longer. It's a way to hopefully jump-start some the interests I seem to have lost.

What would be your "just ten minues, once a day?"

I see you're trying to be more social. On Sundays..

Depression level: 3. Attempting to be virtually social here. :)
Anxiety level: 9! I go back to work tomorrow.

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The Session, or the Sunday Socializing:

1. What is the name of your blog and how did you come up with it?

My blog name is "Depressed and Anxious About It" because I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but I try not to take myself to seriously. This blog is how those disorders affect my life in an honest, and sometimes funny, way. I feel the need to add a disclaimer to this: This is purely my experience. I do not speak for others who have these disorders :)

2. What do you love the most about blogging?

Giving myself a creative outlet and maybe helping others out there who share my challenges.

3. What are your 2 favorite posts you've written?

• "Please have a seat" because I finally got up the courage (and energy) to start sharing what I'm going through, even if it is anonymously. That's a big step for me.
• "It sounds like you've found something that works!" because I think it shows a shift in my thoughts from taking on everything myself and everything being my fault, to playing the hand I'm dealt with in the best way I can, using the tools that I've been given. 

4. What is something you'd want to tell someone just starting out in blog world?

Even if it's short, get into the habit of writing SOMETHING to suit the the schedule of how often you thought you'd blog. Heck, just post a picture (with due credit, of course). Still learning this one myself.

5. Biggest blogging learning experience you've had?

Scheduling helps you post consistently!

6. Give us 3 blogs we NEED to be following that you love!

I'm also still exploring the personal blogs (as opposed to topic based) that I want to read so I'd have to go with Suri's Burn Book, STFU Parents, and Ashley's Carnival Ride (but you already knew that!).

Just keep repeating "It's OK"

Diagnosis: Slowly confirming Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (a change from Bipolar Disorder Type II, diagnosed 9 years ago). Apparently those types of things don't change overnight, but take months.
Depression: 3

Anxiety: 7

The session:

I'm going back to work next week after four weeks of FMLA and one week of vacation, so a total of five weeks off. Anxiety might be a little high. Therefore, I just keep repeating "It's OK"

... to not please everyone 100% of the time.

... to not tell everyone at work all the details of what I've been going through, but to anonymously tell the interwebs. Anonymity is glorious.

... to issue a giant "thank you" to the ModCloth 70% off sale for helping me feel fabulous in preparation for going back to work.

... to be thoroughly enjoying sleeping in while I can.

... that I'm relishing non-real pants also while I can.

... to STILL be ridiculously excited about my new iced latte recipe that is delicious and saves money.

... to start to see a pattern of going back to work = new stuff. :)

... to have read way more young adult books as opposed to more serious, philosophical literature while I've been home.

... that I'm nervous about going back to work. That's natural, right?

... to create a post-it note (or a huge canvas) saying "It's OK" to put in my office!
... to appreciate one of the "sometimes funny" moments of mental health that I had the other night: Just had dinner, took my meds as usual, took a nice relaxing bath, stood up, and nearly passed out from side effect of random, massive blood sugar drop. 5 more minutes and Biletteral would have found me on the floor in our bathroom. I used it as an excuse to eat ice cream.

It sounds like you've found something that works!

Yes! Believe it or not!

Diagnosis: Slowly moving to confirmed Major Depressive Disorder AND Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Meds
Depression level: 3
Anxiety level: 6

The session:

Abilify was definitely not working, so they started me on a new one: Latuda. Is it just me or does it sound like it should be a med similar to Beano? OK, just me apparently :). I wasn't sleeping, was severely anxious (in retrospect), and was definitely overwhelmed. Checking emails would cause my pulse to race, interacting with people was definitely not appealing, and the possibility of letting someone down was enough to shut me down for the night.

Lately, things are better. I conquered setting up our printer as a scanner (boom!), did normal errands wearing regular pants and didn't cringe (bazinga!), and even was proactive instead of reactive (kapow!). Definite victories on my part.

The three things that are still a struggle:
Sleep
Dealing with anxiety on a daily, every day basis
Communicating

Maybe I should just resign myself to always either sleeping too much or not enough! Ha. Ha. Haaaaa. Definitely not funny. However, yet again, I'm reminded that this is what FMLA is for and I'm very blessed to have employers who encourage me to use it. (See a change in mindset?!) Hopefully this will all be resolved before next week, or at least better sorted out. Sleeping from 11-11 is not good, but then again, neither is 10-1 and then 3-6.

Despite 9 years of learning how to live and express my self in a valid, positive manner, apparently a change in diagnosis requires some retraining. Who knew? :) It turns out that learning how to accurately identify my daily anxieties (feeling inadequate for forgetting to do something, feeling overwhelmed when asked to do something unplanned) and then treat and express them instead of dismissing them is a huge "learning opportunity."

Biletteral and I are always working on communication, as every married couple does.  I'm realizing that when I'm anxious about something, it translates to irritability and comes out through my communication. Even just by recognizing that I'm (hopefully!) able to better process how I feel and get to the root of the issue instead of just being cranky! Also, I realized that my doctor prescribed me "as needed" Xanax for a reason. To use it. It's not being weak, it's not being drugged, it's a tool to use to help me cope.

I feel like I'm always going to try to rely on the Lord as much as I possibly can, but sometimes He gives us tools that aren't always supernatural. Sometimes they come in the form of pills and medical science. I am so grateful for the grace He gives me in the form of His presence, wisdom, and yes, pills.